Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
