Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
