id be glad to
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
