I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
