If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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