I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
