Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
