I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
