I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
