Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
