why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
