i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
