just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
