Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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