I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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