Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
