just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
