I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
