he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Still dying that you shit outside
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
