matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
