what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
