The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
