I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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