I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
