when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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