I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
