Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
