A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
