I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
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