I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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