Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
This house was built for laser tag.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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