you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
