I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
