Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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