I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We talked him into tasing himself.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
