His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
