She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
