Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
