That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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