hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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