The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
