And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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