my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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