Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
