I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Randomize
