my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
