I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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