Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
