see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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