yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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